Along came Nadia.

Returned to Norway and my girlfriend Catharina, who was now five months pregnant. Got my old job back and tried to make the best of the situation. I was working in her fathers sign factory, had a good job working in production.

We were still using drugs at this time, then one day Catharina got alcohol poisoning and was sent to hospital to get pumped out. Now I really believed we would loose the baby, but by the grace of God she came through. A wake up call for Catharina, she stopped smoking and using drugs, remember she managed very well. I got more and more involved in my work.

178341_3858049603344_1911563406_oI’d been working overtime when the message came that Catharina was in labour, so got to the hospital just in time. Was there through the whole birth process. Taking pictures and waiting for the great event.

A few days before while watching the names and credits after a film on TV, I was looking for a good name for my daughter, found out we were getting a girl.

So the moment she was borne I said out loud, its Nadia, don’t know where that came from but it felt right. Remember sitting there with her in my arms while they were cleaning up her mom, I was studying her carefully because I’d heard of people leaving hospital with the wrong baby. I was the proudest father in the world.

Came home the next day and Catharina was craving for some dope, and then we were back to our normal lives but now with a kid.

Her family wanted her baby baptized as the tradition was, and then that day came. I didn’t think anything of it until we were standing in the state church, this felt so wrong and I was reminded of my own baptism. Didn’t understand much about what was right or wrong.

Remember the first time Nadia laughed, I had been in prison about three weeks when they came to visit. And when she saw me she just started laughing, will never forget that.

We were terrible parents when I look back at the situation, we had to be stoned all the time otherwise we were stressed out and irritable. And with Norway being such a cold country all hash smoking was done in the house. So Nadia grew up semi stoned all the time.

So everyday was a fight for survival, I’d come home from work worn-out. Catharina was fed up after been stuck in the house all day with Nadia. So every night she would stress to town to score and be with her friends. She was a good mother at times but I don’t think she really understood the responsibility at hand. Sometimes it was so bad that I just couldn’t bare been in the same house anymore, and seeing how Nadia was treated really bothered me. I was not healthy for her growth either, had a terrible problem with anger.

After about three years I couldn’t stand the situation anymore, burnt-out, frustrated, angry and deceived. Everything just collapsed all around me. I ended up calling a college at work asking him if I could borrow his pistol saying that I was going to get rid of some cats that we had. That night if he hadn’t read the situation and had given me the pistol, that would have been the end of it all. I know that I would have blown my brains out, because I felt the overpowering urge and desire to really do it. Had nothing to loose, who was I in any case.

The next morning I reported in sick, and needed help. Was completely burnt-out, couldn’t think straight. A friend got hold of an apartment for me, so that was a great help just to get away from her. Ended up having Nadia nearly every weekend because her mom wanted her freedom with her friends, she was declining fast.

Loved having Nadia as much as possible, we had a very special bond together. And for the first time in my life there was a reason to live, she really meant all to me. And having someone who loved me made the difference.

The next year I bought our first house at an auction, unseen inside. It had brick walls, a new roof and a bus stop across the road. What more could I need. Finally my own home, had never owned anything myself. Maybe responsibility could change me.